Warning: Some explicit sexual references.
So a friend posted the following link on Facebook and I responded to it there. My response didn’t go ever well which is not a shock so rather than make enemies there, I suppose I shall make anonymous enemies here instead. First the link:
The quick and dirty version: Boy befriends girl. Boy and girl have sex a couple times. Boy and girl have sex a third time. Girl accuses boy of rape and boy says it was consensual.
A couple of things to remember here: 1) the prior sexual encounters were consensual and the third started out being consensual. This means that until after the third encounter, the girl did not feel threatened by this boy. 2) The girl did not report the violation immediately and only did so after consulting with a friend who suggested that she was raped.
So the situation can break down a couple of ways:
1) The boy became aggressive during the third sexual encounter and forced the girl to go farther than she wanted against her will, which in this case is sodomy. The girl is claiming that she showed up looking for normal sex only and that the boy forcefully penetrated her in an uncomfortable place. Apparently NOT like the back of a Volkswagen. Since she never wanted that type of extreme and dare I say deviant form of sex, she considers his actions to be rape.
2) The boy claims that there was a consensual agreement for them to engage in sodomy. He claims that she went on a smear campaign against him after he started pulling away from the relationship as a way to punish him for not reciprocating her feelings.
Most low-brows get hung up here trying to determine which person is lying. Is the girl lying or is the boy lying? Let me say that wanting to know who is lying is completely irrelevant.
I will repeat that: Wanting to know which party is lying is completely irrelevant. The issue is much simpler and much less complex.
Teach and uphold abstinence.
In 2009 Columbia decided to allow the dorms to become co-ed in order to satisfy every strange sexual circumstance imaginable. To help manage the circumstances that have arisen from that policy they have a guide to “proper” unmarried sexual etiquette. You can follow the link here. You can check it out for yourself so I won’t rehash it. What you will not find is any form of prohibition against fornication, masturbation, viewing or participating in porn, sodomy, oral sex, etc. So you want to watch porn? Check. You want to engage in homosexual encounters? Check. You want to just have hetero “normal” sex? Check. It’s all ok as long as it feels ok.
Here then is a glaring societal moral norm issue. According to our society it is ok to have sex as long as everyone directly involved agrees. It is only not ok when one person disagrees during or after the act is completed.
So I am going to put myself in this young man’s shoes. I am friends with a girl and we are out drinking. We start making out and one thing leads to the next. We have protected sex and everything is great. She is asleep, I am asleep, the evening ended in fun for everyone. The next morning, she decides that I took her farther than she wanted to go and that she was drunker than she or I realized. She claims rape, my life is over. Whose fault is that? Hers or mine?
If anyone thinks that I am not at fault they are a liar, stupid, or both.
If anyone thinks she is not at fault is also a liar, stupid, or both.
If I go to a wild party, get drugged, pass out and get raped I still carry the burden of being stupid enough to make myself vulnerable to people whom I do not know. You catch that? If you go to a party, drink their alcohol, get drugged, and get raped, you put yourself in a bad circumstance. You carry at least some of the responsibility.
Some of you are probably foaming at the mouth by now. Consider a different scenario: I go to work in a factory with lots of heavy machinery. There are robots that can crush and electrocute me and I am reasonably certain that it is unsafe there. So instead of remaining dead sober so I can navigate through the circumstance safely I pop some prescription pain meds and proceed to get myself killed. Would we blame the machines? Yes the machines would be the direct cause of my death. Would I still be totally blameless? No. I put myself in a dangerous situation and then took unnecessary chances.
Nobody drugged this girl. Nobody drugged this boy. They were “friends” by their own definition. They both drugged themselves with alcohol. They both entered a dark and private room together and they both had sex not once, not twice, but three times. She cried rape and he cried foul. They are both at fault.
So let us walk through my earlier example, add my mindset and advice and see how the situation plays out.
I am friends with a girl and I like her and she likes me. She invites me out for a few drinks. I respectfully decline. Situation ends well.
We are at a party and we both have had a few drinks. She wants to make out but I respectfully decline. Situation ends well.
She is at a party with guys other than me because I don’t go to parties where people are drinking and hooking up. Situation ends well.
She doesn’t go to parties where people are drinking. Situation ends well.
Get the point yet?
So now Columbia is in a quandary. They cannot ever police a bedroom enough to know if lines are being crossed in there. They cannot station security guards at the bedpost to referee private sexual encounters. Imagine having a bouncer in every bedroom. The conversations would be interesting. Um excuse me sir, I believe she is a little drunker than she should be. We are going to have to ask you to leave sir, your sexual aggression is too much. Your date is tapping out sir, she doesn’t like this weird deviant sexual behavior you are trying and you are in danger of crossing the rape threshold.
Columbia can police its campus against outside predators or real rapists who catch women or men unawares and violate them by coercion. How can they protect against two people willingly entering a dark private space to engage in private behaviors? In the former case you have a clearly distinguishable line of predatory behavior. In the latter case, it is indistinguishable from a “normal” sexual encounter at the campus. There is only one way to stop the latter case from happening. Ban the “normal” sexual encounter. Re-introduce gender specific dorms and uphold the curfews for students.
Admittedly, such a prohibition would not stop all forms of sexual aggression because rebellious and morally stunted students will still have unmarried sex. Nor does it mean that rape cannot happen when a sexual encounter becomes aggressive. However, It greatly reduces the opportunity for such situations on campus and it reduces the University’s responsibility to attempt to protect parties from “normal” sexual situations becoming “out of control” sexual situations. In fact it is the only way for the University to limit its liability to third party aggravated sexual assault claims.
The typical response to this idea is that unmarried sex is morally good, it is only bad when it turns into rape.
I say prove it. Don’t worry, I won’t hold my breath waiting for that logical proof to appear.
Explain to me how one comes to the conclusion that unmarried sex is morally permissible and I will show you how your morality is arbitrary and meaningless. This is the real problem anyway. People want to believe that what feels good actually is good. News flash… what feels good, can kill you, wreck your life, wreck your marriage, wreck other peoples lives, etc. That belief is unabashedly absurd and so are the fools who espouse it.